Shakin' Bill's Cocktails Special
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Shakin' Bill's Cocktails Special |
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Essential Equipment There are thousands of cocktails. Here are a few that have given me great pleasure. One of the problems of food and cocktail recipes is that they invariably require ingredients that you have not got. To avoid acquiring dozens of little used bottles (storage space on boats is limited) I suggest you find a couple of cocktails that you like, and stick to those. A Fridge. This is tricky on a boat, but most cocktails taste better cold. Hence you need lots of ice. A cocktail shaker. The shaker mixes the ingredients together, and, by shaking them with ice, cools them down. The shaker need only be an empty tin can with a plastic lid. The 'proper' shakers work well, and neatly drain the liquid off the ice, though novice shakers find that they are an efficient method of applying cocktails to the walls and ceiling. Drinking Glasses. Bits 'n' bobs. These include paper parasols and sparklers. Jolly good for impressing people, but they are a tad unpalatable. And after a couple of swigs of the liquid, these decorative bits tend to make a beeline for the nearest nostril. Or eye. 
A cocktail is an efficient method of easing and loosening social intercourse, including brains, mouths and knickers. A cocktail often consists of:
WHISKEY: I must admit to a grave distrust of whiskey, no matter how it is spelt. I can cope with whiskey aficionados (though I'm not one myself) but mixing whiskey with anything other than water or lemonade is rarely successful. I once had some whiskey Collins, served at a US military forces bar, which were quite excellent, but this experience remains unrepeated. I've also been deprived of the pleasure of a well made mint julep. Whiskey Mac (Whiskey and ginger wine) is an excellent winter warmer, but, otherwise, whiskey does not feature in my cocktail cabinet. Ditto RUM , which has such a distinctive taste that it's tricky to find a suitable partner for it. The best way of drinking rum is either with lemonade (for a long drink) or with some sweetened lemon juice (for a short drink) or with a touch more rum. I've never gone in for daiquiris or the like - too much trouble!! The big exception for rum is, of course, the Pina Colada - recipe below!!! As a drink, I have a personal preference for dark rum, but in cocktails, the appearance of the drink is improved if white (clear) rum is used. BRANDY: I fell in love with brandy in Cyprus, where they make and sell weak (about 20% I seem to recall) cheap brandies that can be drunk neat without the need of a tracheotomy. With a bit of lemonade they make a nice thirst quencher. 3 Barrels and other cheaper brandies give roughly the same effect. VODKA AND GIN: These are the cocktail stalwarts, and form the basis of many excellent drinks. TEQUILA: This is an acquired taste, but tequila often softens and mellows the taste of a cocktail. The famous Tequila Sunrise (recipe below) works just as well with Vodka. As with rum, the clear (silver) tequila is better for the appearance of the drink than the 'golden' varieties.
There are, of course, hundreds of these. You need to stick to a few stalwarts, trying out others when the fancy takes you. Orangey drinks: Grand Marnier, in my opinion, is FAR too expensive and grand to be cooked or cocktailed. Ditto, to a lesser extent, Cointreau. Curaçao and Triple Sec tend to be cheaper, but just as orangey. For a Blue Lagoon, either buy Blue Curaçao, or add a drop of blue food colouring to the cocktail shaker. Galliano is a lush drink, and a welcome addition to many cocktails. It's the central part of an Orgasm. Kahlua (or one of the other coffee/chocolate drinks).
Dry Vermouth: Martini is the most easily available. Noilly Prat is nice for a change. Cinzano do a dry vermouth, though it is not as widely available as their sweet one. Grenadine. Orange juice. Bitters: The most famous is Angostura. If you ever visit Cyprus (where bitters are widely used, being an essential part of a brandy sour) you MUST bring back a bottle of the local bitters called 'Cock Drops'. Bitters give the cocktail cabinet a professional look, and it is instructive to taste the effects of a few drops in a cocktail. I suggest that you avoid looking at the 'ingredients' list, else you'll never touch the stuff again. I seem to recall that it starts off with rancid donkey droppings - and gets worse. 'Interesting' and 'bitter' are the best two words to describe the taste of bitters.
I gave up on jiggers years ago. They confine one, and need cleaning. People who use them had problems with their potty training, and, even now, regularly resort to the use of powerful laxatives. (I strongly suspect that Mrs Thatcher would use a jigger). Frankly, does it matter if you use 9, 10 or 11 ml or cc or fl oz or whatever we call them nowadays? Jiggers are now only used in the East, in the sense of jigga-jigs. Instead, I've taken to the slurp and the sloosh. A slurp is approximately the same as a dash - maybe a smidgen more. A sloosh is more, much more - more like a goodly dollop than anything else. Both are fairly unruly measures, but so what?
It was cocktail shaking that caused my military career not to flourish as it might have done. I shook a lot of cocktails whilst serving in Cyprus - the alcohol was cheap - and I even appeared on the forces radio station as Shaking Bill, where I managed to slip in (as it were) the Pink Penetrater without the censor realising what was happening. My unit had a flourishing Wives' Club. One day, I was approached by the Chief Wife, who asked if I could do a cocktail shaking evening for them. After agreeing how the wives were to get home after the evening (a husband volunteered to be a ferry man) I agreed. The evening went very well, and we had a lorra, lorra fun. The next morning, my boss's car appeared unexpectedly outside my window. I went out to meet him. On our short walk back to my office, we met Sgt ...., who saluted smartly, and said 'I hear you gave my wife a long cool screw last night.' I said 'You heard correctly. I cannot deny it. I did.' He said 'And an orgasm ?' 'Indeed' I replied. He thought for a moment, then said 'Can you show me how to do them?' 'Certainly' I said, 'I'll do a demonstration in the Unit Club on Friday night, if you like.' 'Thank you, Sir' he said. 'I'll round up a few of the lads, so that they can all come and watch.' He saluted and went on his way. There was a pregnant pause. My boss said 'You gave his wife an orgasm ?' 'Yes' said I, in all innocence, adding 'And all the other wives who were there.' He turned, went back to his car and drove off. My career in the British Army ended shortly afterwards 'by mutual agreement', as they say.
Now for the recipes !
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