The Journey -
Rosy Watches Diagonal Boaters

Most hire boats seem to come armed with a crew of four - maybe a family group, maybe two couples.  For the purposes of this exercise, let us consider the proto-typical group of four.  It could be friends or family.

No. 1 is generally the dominant male, is generally to be found at the wheel of the boat, and is often somewhat fraught and of a short temper.

No. 2 is generally the partner of No 1, often his wife, or wife substitute.  She is often not seen, as she is down below cooking, cleaning and trying to make the boat look like home.  When she does appear, she lolls languidly on a recliner, and often reads novels that give her an inkling about there being more to life than she currently experiences.

(I'm sorry about these stereotypical behaviours.  Please don't blame me.  I'm merely the observer, and I spend a lot of time trying to persuade Nos. 1 and 2 to trade places).

No. 3 is the subordinate male (the son in the family group).

No. 4 is the subordinate female (the daughter in the family group).

As already stated, No. 1 is generally at the wheel.  One might assume that No. 1 would tackle jobs needing strength (rope handling in locks) or jobs with an element of danger (climbing ladders in locks) but no - he hangs onto the wheel.

Indeed, he only relinquishes it in dire emergencies.  In such circumstances he may order No. 2 to take the wheel.  Other, nearby boaters quail at the two most common replies from No. 2, namely "Which wheel, darling?" or "Certainly darling.  Where shall I take it?"

No. 3 desperately wants to take the wheel.  He hovers near it, hoping against hope that No. 1 will have a heart attack and/or disappear in a puff of smoke.  His normal position of duty is therefore on the stern lines, as this generally puts him closest to the seat of power - the wheel (or, if you're that way inclined, the tiller).

No. 4 generally gives the impression that there are many places she would rather be, but accepts her place with and air of bored resignation.  Girls aged between 9ish and 13ish are often No. 4s, when they are midway between being a tomboy and a young lady.  Since the other duty stations have already been claimed by Nos. 1, 2 and 3, No 4 generally finds herself on duty on the front deck.

I was in a lock last week, and was followed in by just such a boat.  No. 1 had his boat following two feet away from my stern, leading No. 3 hoping there would be a coming together that would incapacitate No. 1 allowing him (No. 3) to take the wheel.  I could hear No. 2 clattering around with the crockery down below.  No. 4 was aged 11ish, and was on the fore deck.  She had round, white patches of sun-screen on her nose and cheeks, and was armed with a fearsome looking boat-hook, which she waved, menacingly, at Rosy's stern end.  I told No. 4 that if her boat-hook made any contact with the stern of Rosy, I would remove her boat-hook from her, and insert deeply into her anal orifice where it would be given several severe twists.  Clockwise.  She failed to understand, and by a process of elimination I worked out that she spoke either Serbo-Croat or Mandarin Chinese.  It was probably racist on my part, but from her non-Mongoloid features, I guessed the former.  Anyway, despite our language difficulties, I think she got the message.

No. 3 (No. 4's older brother) had neatly dropped his stern line over a bollard, and was just beginning to pay rather too much attention to the bust-line of our rather attractive part-time, student lock-keeper, who, bra-less, was bending over her work of winding the handle that closed the lock gates (there are very few balance beams on the French canal system).

Meantime, No. 4 had finished menacing Rosy and me with a boat hook, and was attempting to lasso her bow line around a bollard - and was failing.  However, mademoiselle lock-keeper had now closed one gate, and was walking all round the lock to get to the other side, to close the other gate, and she kindly dropped No. 4's bow line over the bollard.  No. 4 immediately hauled it in tight.

Now, the sides of a boat are not straight.  From the stern forwards the sides are, often, reasonably straight, until they get near to the bows where they curve inwards to meet at the bows.  Hence the bows are on the centre line of the boat.  So, when No. 4 hauls the bows smartly in towards the lock side, the inevitable result is that the stern moves away from the lock side, and the boat is sitting at a diagonal in the lock.

This sudden outward movement of the stern surprises No. 3 who was in a soft, warm, pink little reverie all of his own.  He springs to attention, trying to get the unruly stern under control.  He pulls his heart out (to coin a phrase), little knowing that he is actually pulling in opposition to No. 4.  No. 4 of course, feels the bows being pulled away from the lock side, so she pulls even harder.  They knacker themselves, pulling against each other.

Meantime, I've told mademoiselle lock-keeper that I will close the other gate for her, despite the fact that I am alone on my boat, whilst this other boat has a crew of four.  My deep sarcasm, uttered in a tuneful Franglaise is, sadly, entirely lost upon the Serbo-Croatians, whose boat descends the lock diagonally.

When we reach the bottom of the lock, mademoiselle lock-keeper opens the first gate, which is wide enough for Rosy to slip through, so off we go with a cheery "Mercy bucket".  Out of the lock, I slow down enough to allow time to watch the jolly japes behind me that unfold once the second lock gate is open.

No. 4 casts off and, as the boat is pointing at the lock wall, pushes the bow off hard so that (hopefully) the boat is pointing through the open gates.  She generally pushes far too hard so that the bows hit the far wall with a satisfying thump.  As the bows swing out, the inevitable consequence is that the stern (which, you will recall, No. 3 was trying to keep close to the wall) now closes with the wall and hits it with a satisfying thump.  This causes No. 3 to react by pushing hard on the wall - so hard that the stern swings over to the far side of the lock (which it hits with a satisfying thump).  Plus, of course, swinging the bows back to its starting point against the wall, which it hits with the fourth satisfying thump.  Meantimes, wails from No. 2, as all this thumping has dislodged crockery off the table and onto the floor.  No. 1 of course has come to the conclusion that the steering system is knackered, as his efforts with the wheel are (unknown to him) wholly negated by the pushy activities of his crew.  Hence the boat leaves the lock diagonally.

The real sadness of all this is that the 'crew' don't seem to learn.  Their diagonal boating systems stay with them throughout their week-long holiday.  Perhaps they think that that is how it ought to be.

Toodle pip!!

Bill

(Have you visited the only known X-rated cookery site on the web?  Find it at www.billybubbles.demon.co.uk/living/eating.html)